I feel like abortions should bother me more
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
