I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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