i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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