Got a toothbrush?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
