Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
