Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
