every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Be still, my beating vagina.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
