omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
