Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
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Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
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It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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