a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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