I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
