Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
