he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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