ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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