Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
