My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
