i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
