I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
