Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
