She's JV to your varsity
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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