You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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