a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
