i wish starbucks made bloody marys
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
