someone threw a dead crab at me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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