somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Four minutes until I can fart!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
