In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Shame is for Republicans.
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