what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
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Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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