If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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