i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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