apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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