I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
