I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize