ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
