you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
