Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
