He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
