Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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