my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
