Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
