Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
