Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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