i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage