is wine microwaveable?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
