She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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