Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
