He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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