wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
