before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
