you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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