Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
