How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
