I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
