My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
