sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
