non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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