Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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